part 7
jeff and the outhouse
At this point we had geese. Let me tell you something right here-right fucking now.
Geese are excellent guard dogs, however, geese will protect your house from everything. Including you.
Blue Mon 27 Jan 2014 No.14085403 Quoted By:
Geese are the absolute fucking worst.
Also they are generally terrifying, but I haven't been able to stomach the thought of having another dog, and I don't want to ask Vav about it because she'll give me that blank stare that makes me feel like a limpet.
I once asked her why she didn't sell the property and she just told me it was all that was tying her to the earth- but then she threw her cigarette butt at the geese while cackling — so I didn't bother to ask again.
Anyway, Vav's toilet, if you hadn't already guessed from the first couple of posts, is a fucking outhouse. So if you have to take a shit at night; you have to grab a torch and hobble across the yard to the little building a distance away that you don't want to be walking at night, when you've experienced the sheer fucking horror on this property I have. A couple of times it was random shit like a frog that was sitting under the lip grabbed my ass.
Now, when we had the dogs, it was cool, they'd generally wake up at the commotion of me walking through the dark, torch in hand, and come chill outside the toilet while I took a shit. Safety first, you know?
However, geese are never your friend. And geese do not give a fuck about you.
Why? Because Geese are the fucking worst. I was on one of these nights I woke up with the need to toilet. Badly Now I fucking hate this feeling, but nature calls. I have, however, started carrying a machete with me. So juggling my torch and machete, I make it to the outhouse, and I'm sitting there, doing the do.
When I hear something's footsteps approaching the place. Let it be known that I was not a happy camper at this fucking point.
But first I'm going to give you a little more background on the Tall men. They are mischief makers at their most basic. They like to fuck with people by moving shit around, breaking shit, scaring the fuck out of you. To these guys, it's all in good fun.
However, "all in good fun" becomes "terrifying fucking bullshit" when the guys doing it are taller than your house and pretty much invisible unless you see them- in which case they are even more terrifying because the closest thing I can think of to compare them to is that stick insect from bugs life.
So this fucking asshole - lets call him Jeff- Jeff the tall man- has been lurking around for a while now. And will continue to do so unless we remove all the trees or stop the offerings on our land.
At this point I'm about ready to torch the whole fucking place because I do not have fucking time for Jeffrey because If I'm scared and trying to take a shit, my anus slams shut like some Indiana Jones tomb trap bullshit. Say "Fuck you, Jeff." Outloud on my behalf, it'll make me feel better about how much I fucking rage I hold for Jeff the tall man. So anyway, I'm fairly sure this is Jeff outside, because this is the fifth time he's done this.
"Jeff, man. Please go away."
And then there's this soft thump on the roof as Jeff leans his elbow on it or some shit I don't know but I was ready to hulk out- and then something hums, and I hear Jeff fucking LEAP the fuck away, like JEFF IS GONE. JEFF IS OUTTA HERE. Now, why would Jeff leave?
Because somebody is humming outside. Somebody is out there FUCKING humming. So I decide to fucking chance this shit.
"Vav?" I wait. The humming stops. "Vav?!"
At this point mission shit is a complete disaster and I'm wiping while I'm standing and trying to pull up my jeans because that was definitely a man's hum.
And it frightened away Jeff.
At this point I'm so unhappy I consider remaining inside this shit tin until daylight. But I really didn't want to fucking die inside of this shit tin.
So like the fucking genius I am, I open the fucking door, torch in one hand, machete in the other.
And this guy steps RIGHT PAST THE FUCKING DOOR. However some sort of PTSD since I've had to deal with this shit occurs, and I react in the opposite of "taking things well."
I swing the machete forward and it fucking passes THROUGH this guy. And he stops and just looks at me. Like for fucks sake the machete went through this guy like he was made of smoke.
And my rational brain would later tell me that sometimes spirits of the dead linger at places of unrest, who crave companionship, and travel in packs.
My exact reaction is to make the noise of a frightened origami kitten and pass out for a solid 0.5 of a second. So I stumble because creepy shit you can physically hit is one thing- but I don't do ghosts. I will never fucking do ghosts.
After that the situation just devolved into me trying to not shit out enough bricks to rebuild the pyramids — and turning into the flash to make it back to the fucking house. Ghosts are fucking terrifying, okay? Because ghosts were once people. Ghosts are not something you can rationalize into it being an animal. Ghosts, from my experience, cannot be killed, either.
Anyway, I ended up telling Vav. She was pretty pissed
about it, and told me that yelling tends to make them
leave. That's probably the most light-hearted story I have
to tell really, the little shining light. Some of the others do
have funnier, goofier bits. But the next one is another
actually scary one, so keep the thread alive and I'll keep
writing guys.
PrevNext